The Talk
by Phosphorescent
Summary: Every father has to give his daughter's new boyfriend the "you make her cry, I'll make you cry" talk whilst casually polishing his wand and mentioning his Auror contacts; Ron has never been exactly the traditional sort, though…


_Disclaimer: I owned Harry Potter once upon a time. Then I made the mistake of mentioning my idea to that J.K. Rowling on a trainride to London… _

_Disclaimer for the Disclaimer: We apologise for the above disclaimer. Those responsible for creating said disclaimer have been sacked. [A Møøse once bit my sister…]_

_Disclaimer for the Disclaimer's Disclaimer: We apologise for the fault in the above disclaimer. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked. Also, we wish to categorically state that we do not own either Harry Potter or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. [No realli!]_

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><p>It came as a surprise to everyone – not the least of which was Ron himself – that Ron actually <em>liked<em> Scorpius Malfoy. The kid was polite (but not fawningly so), had a good sense of humour (anyone who could laugh after being majorly pranked by George was OK in Ron's book), was a loyal friend to Rosie and Al, and, perhaps most importantly, had _excellent_ taste in Quidditch teams.

So Ron didn't have a problem with Scorpius Malfoy, per se. They got along great. (Sometimes _too_ well, according to his irritated daughter.) That's why, when he found out that Rosie and Scorpius were d-a-t-i-n-g, he didn't blow a gasket. Instead, he calmly sat down with the boy at the annual Weasley Family Christmas Party.

"Hey, Scorpius," he said genially, clapping the paler-than-usual boy on the back. "I hear you and Rosie are going together now."

"Uh, yeah. I mean, yes, Mr Weasley," Scorpius stuttered.

"Oh, relax," Ron said. "I'm not going to disembowel you… yet."

"Just kidding, just kidding," he added hastily upon seeing his wife's glare from across the room. He proceeded to re-angle their chairs so Hermione couldn't see their faces. "Besides, it isn't me that you need to be worried about."

"What do you mean?" Scorpius asked.

"See, it's true that I'll hex you to the moon and back if you break my daughter's heart, and it's true that her uncles include a curse-breaker, a dragon-tamer, a master prankster, and _Harry Potter_. But we're all nothing, absolutely nothing, next to Rosie's mum."

Scorpius looked sceptical at that.

"It's true! May my wand break if I lie," Ron assured the boy. "You see, Hermione's not only powerful and clever, but she's done enough research to know all sorts of nasty arcane spells. Add to that the fact that she's inventive with those spells, and…"

He shuddered. Leaning over closer to the boy, he said, "Let me tell you a little story, Scorpius. Back in our fifth year, we started up an illegal Defence Club. You-Know-Who had just returned to power and the Ministry was still denying the truth. In order to help suppress that truth, they assigned Dolores Umbridge to Hogwarts; bint didn't teach a thing in her classes, and that was even more dangerous during those times, see? So we started the club – the D.A. – to help other students learn practical defence skills. Now Hermione, being the clever witch that she was, made all members of the club sign a parchment (which she had secretly enchanted) and promise that they wouldn't tell anyone about the club. One of those members broke her promise, though, and tattled to Umbridge. You know what happened to that girl?"

Scorpius shook his head.

Lowering his voice, he said, "The second she broke her word, her face broke out in bright purple pustules spelling the word 'SNEAK'. Experts tried to reverse the curse without success and Hermione refused to remove it. To this day, that girl can't go anywhere without wearing a veil or a ski cap, or people will know exactly the sort of person she is."

Scorpius' eyes widened.

"Do anything to hurt Rosie, and Hermione'll make that look like child's play," Ron told him. "And that's only the one story. Merlin, I've got hundreds."

Ron felt a peculiar sort of satisfaction at seeing Scorpius' gulp.

"Of course, then there was the incident with the Centaurs," Ron continued cheerfully. "Just when I thought Hermione couldn't get any more vicious, she proved me wrong…"

–-–-–-–-–-–-– –-–-–-–-–-–-– –-–-–-–-–-–-–

Later that night as he and Hermione got ready for bed, Hermione turned to him.

"Did it seem to you as though Scorpius was avoiding me tonight?" she asked.

"I didn't notice," Ron told her, feeling the tips of his ears redden.

"It's odd, really," Hermione continued, turning down the coverlet. "We've always gotten along quite well, and for the life of me, I can't think of anything that I've done to offend him…"

"Well, you are an intimidating woman," Ron suggested. "Perhaps he was just overcome by your beauty."

Hermione snorted. "You're a real charmer, you know that, Ron?"

"I wouldn't worry about it," Ron told his wife. "He was probably just distracted."

"Distracted by what, exactly?" Hermione asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"He just started going out with Rosie," Ron said, shrugging. "Young love and all that rot."

"Perhaps," Hermione murmured thoughtfully, crawling into bed.

"I know _I_ had a hard time concentrating on anything else when _we_ first got together," Ron continued, joining her in bed.

"You sweet talker, you," Hermione said, smiling.

And then she proceeded to turn out the lights and Ron's satisfaction with scaring Scorpius was replaced by a different sort of satisfaction altogether.


End file.
